Dear Journal,
Today was another non-interesting day, but thats fine with me, less things to scare me. The Nurse has everything in the ward running on a tight schedule, knowing what comes next everyday is one of the few things that makes me feel safe, even when the things in that schedule scare me. For instance we start off every morning with a shave, which I don't like at all, like I've said before someone could slip up and cut me or themselves. After we are all shaved, we go in for breakfast. I don't like this either, because who knows what someone could have put into the food, some days I get so scared that I can't even eat in the mornings.
After breakfast is a free time when we are all allowed into the day room to play cards or listen to the radio. This time is one of my favorite times of the day, except for one thing. This is when everyone likes to smoke, which means they are all lighting there cigarettes at the same time, usually I have to stay on the other side of the room till they are done. There's nothing to be scared of on the other side of the room because thats where the chronics stay and they don't move much at all. The Chronics will be in the ward the rest of their lives because they can't function like the Acutes do. I am considered an Acute, because I still have the potential to become a regular member of society. I've been here so long that I am starting to doubt if I will leave.
At eight o'clock all the acutes line up for their medication. The Nurse told me my medication was to get rid of me being scared all the time, because I wouldn't take it unless I knew what it was for, but as far as I can tell it just makes me tired. Sleeping usually doesn't scare me at all, except for when I have nightmares.
Like last night, I was seven years old again, standing in front of my house sirens sounding and lights flashing all over. I was alone....
And thats all I can remember for now, I don't feel much like writing anymore.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Entry 1 pgs 9-28
Dear Journal,
Hello, my name is Roger. The Nurse told me that keeping this journal would help me get over my.... irrational fears, as she calls it. I don't think they are irrational at all, who's to say that while shaving one day someone could slip up and get cut across the throat? Or even worse someone lights a cigarette and accidentally catches something on fire. That's why I don't smoke, can't stand the flame, I can't even watch someone else light theirs. Although I've been here for so long I don't even remember why I am afraid of it, the staff says its Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I've said that I can't remember anything that traumatic that has happened to me, but I've over heard the staff talking about me suppressing my memories. Anyway that's why I am writing, to see if writing down everything that happens somehow jogs my memory so i can finally deal with whatever it is is making me this way. So on to today's events.
Nothing to exciting happened today, mostly the usual stuff. Billy and Cheswick playing cards, the Chief sweeping, and the chronics just laying around. Billy hasn't been here as long as me, and really I don't know why he's here, he has a stuttering problem but I've heard of people taking classes to get rid of those, he is a nice guy though and I enjoy having him here. Cheswick is alright too, I think he's been here even longer it's hard to remember anymore. The Chief has been here the longest though even longer than me. He doesn't talk much on the account that he is deaf and dumb, but he helps out the black boys by sweeping, chief broom they call him.
Oh! I almost forgot, we had a new person come into the ward today, McMurphy I think. He is a loud person, the whole ward new when he came in. I'm not sure what to think of him yet, Although he smells strongly of cigarettes, which means I'll have to stay away from him while he's lighting those. Well thats all for now.
-Roger
Hello, my name is Roger. The Nurse told me that keeping this journal would help me get over my.... irrational fears, as she calls it. I don't think they are irrational at all, who's to say that while shaving one day someone could slip up and get cut across the throat? Or even worse someone lights a cigarette and accidentally catches something on fire. That's why I don't smoke, can't stand the flame, I can't even watch someone else light theirs. Although I've been here for so long I don't even remember why I am afraid of it, the staff says its Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I've said that I can't remember anything that traumatic that has happened to me, but I've over heard the staff talking about me suppressing my memories. Anyway that's why I am writing, to see if writing down everything that happens somehow jogs my memory so i can finally deal with whatever it is is making me this way. So on to today's events.
Nothing to exciting happened today, mostly the usual stuff. Billy and Cheswick playing cards, the Chief sweeping, and the chronics just laying around. Billy hasn't been here as long as me, and really I don't know why he's here, he has a stuttering problem but I've heard of people taking classes to get rid of those, he is a nice guy though and I enjoy having him here. Cheswick is alright too, I think he's been here even longer it's hard to remember anymore. The Chief has been here the longest though even longer than me. He doesn't talk much on the account that he is deaf and dumb, but he helps out the black boys by sweeping, chief broom they call him.
Oh! I almost forgot, we had a new person come into the ward today, McMurphy I think. He is a loud person, the whole ward new when he came in. I'm not sure what to think of him yet, Although he smells strongly of cigarettes, which means I'll have to stay away from him while he's lighting those. Well thats all for now.
-Roger
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