Dear Journal,
Today is my last day in the ward, I wasn't going to write anymore, but so much has happened in the last few days I felt I had too. Well first of all turns out my suspicions of the Chief were right, he can talk and hear just fine, I don't know why he kept quiet for so long. The Chief and McMurphy came back from disturbed and instantly McMurphy was back up to his old tricks.
Late at night he got Turkle, the night watchmen, to let some of us stay awake and walk around the ward, having a little party. They even let in his friend Candy and her friend Sandy. I couldn't believe they were getting away with it. I didn't go with them though, I didn't want to mess up my chances of getting out of here. They sure made a lot of noise though. Sounded like they destroyed the medication room, kept openeing and closing doors, running up and down the hallway. They almost got caught one time by the nurse on duty then but they managed to stay hidden. It was soon after that that I went to sleep.
In the morning McMurphy and Sandy had fallen asleep in his bed, and Billy was nowhere to be seen. The Nurse was furious about all of this. McMurphy was supposed to escape at night, but they must have been to drunk and fallen asleep. The Nurse went everywhere looking for Billy, and when she found him she just got even angrier. Turns out he was in a room with Candy.
The whole time the Nurse kept saying that she was going to have to tell his mother about this. When Billy heard that he freaked out and kept pleading with her not to tell his mother. She got him to calm down little and then sent him to the Docotors office to wait.
When she went back Billy had slit his own throat.
The Nurse came back to blame McMurphy for the whole thing, not only that, but for Cheswick's death also. McMurphy couldn't take being falsely accused and jumped up and attacked her ripping open her shirt and then started to choke her. Thats when the black boys jumped in and forced him to the ground.
The Nurse couldn't talk at all after the attack and had to write down everything she wanted to say, which made her lose alot of her authority. I haven't seen McMurphy since, but there are rumors that he's giving people hell up in disturbed or that he's already escaped. The Nurse says that he will be back but no one believes it. I even stayed around a few extra days just to see if he really was coming back, but he never did.
So I'm just finishing packing up my things and then I'll be on my way. Maybe someday I'll run into McMurphy on the outside and finally find out what happened.
-Roger
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Entry 14 pgs 232-241
Dear Journal,
I don't know how she does it, but the Nurse can turn us on one another with the snap of her fingers. She called a meeting and asked us how we felt about the Chief and McMurphy being up in disturbed. She not only got us to agree, she got us to agree that they should recieve shock theapy to make them less aggressive. I feel terrible about it, but there's nothing that can be done about it now.
Well one good thing happened today, one really great thing. I had been going over my journal with the doctor, and he seemed really interested in the parts about my nightmares. He asked me some questions about them and he said it sounds like I had been supressing memories and thats why I don't know why I am afraid of everything. He had me try to remember as much as I could, and just all of a sudden my memories came back. I remember how the match used to light my birthday cake caught the curtain on fire, and how the fire spread to the rest of the house burning my friends and family. I was the only one to survive.
I was very sad about this memory at first, but the fact that it happened so long ago, and that I now have a chance of getting better made me happy again. The doctor helped me to see that it wasn't my fault, and he said after a few more weeks I should be able to leave the ward. I hope I can see the Chief and McMurphy one more time before then.
I don't know how she does it, but the Nurse can turn us on one another with the snap of her fingers. She called a meeting and asked us how we felt about the Chief and McMurphy being up in disturbed. She not only got us to agree, she got us to agree that they should recieve shock theapy to make them less aggressive. I feel terrible about it, but there's nothing that can be done about it now.
Well one good thing happened today, one really great thing. I had been going over my journal with the doctor, and he seemed really interested in the parts about my nightmares. He asked me some questions about them and he said it sounds like I had been supressing memories and thats why I don't know why I am afraid of everything. He had me try to remember as much as I could, and just all of a sudden my memories came back. I remember how the match used to light my birthday cake caught the curtain on fire, and how the fire spread to the rest of the house burning my friends and family. I was the only one to survive.
I was very sad about this memory at first, but the fact that it happened so long ago, and that I now have a chance of getting better made me happy again. The doctor helped me to see that it wasn't my fault, and he said after a few more weeks I should be able to leave the ward. I hope I can see the Chief and McMurphy one more time before then.
Entry 13 pgs 219-231
Dear Journal,
We had another eventful day at the ward. The Chief and McMurphy are both up in disturbed. It all happened when everyone had to get a special shower to kill any germs we could have gotten from the boat. the Black Boys were giving one of the guys a bad time and when McMurphy tried to get them to stop they took it was a threat and started to fight with him. The Chief had taken a liking to McMurphy so he decided to jump in and help, the Black Boys didn't have a chance.
After the fight they were both sent up to disturbed, I'm sure they will be back after a little while, though it is a sure thing they will both be recieving multiple visits to the shock shop. I don't know if the Nurse will use this time to try to turn the rest of us against McMurphy or not, she had already started earlier. She told McMurphy he had a phone call during the theraputic meetings and when he was gone she kept telling us how McMurphy cheated us out of a lot of our money while playing cards. The rest of the guys silently agree, though I'm sure they felt bad about thinking this way about someone who'd been a hero to us for so long. I know I did.
It didn't help that right after the meeting he tried to get us all to bet on whether or not the chief could lift a control panel. We'll just have to wait and see how the ward feels about him when he gets back.
We had another eventful day at the ward. The Chief and McMurphy are both up in disturbed. It all happened when everyone had to get a special shower to kill any germs we could have gotten from the boat. the Black Boys were giving one of the guys a bad time and when McMurphy tried to get them to stop they took it was a threat and started to fight with him. The Chief had taken a liking to McMurphy so he decided to jump in and help, the Black Boys didn't have a chance.
After the fight they were both sent up to disturbed, I'm sure they will be back after a little while, though it is a sure thing they will both be recieving multiple visits to the shock shop. I don't know if the Nurse will use this time to try to turn the rest of us against McMurphy or not, she had already started earlier. She told McMurphy he had a phone call during the theraputic meetings and when he was gone she kept telling us how McMurphy cheated us out of a lot of our money while playing cards. The rest of the guys silently agree, though I'm sure they felt bad about thinking this way about someone who'd been a hero to us for so long. I know I did.
It didn't help that right after the meeting he tried to get us all to bet on whether or not the chief could lift a control panel. We'll just have to wait and see how the ward feels about him when he gets back.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Entry 12 pgs 191-218
Dear Journal,
Today was the fishing trip, I found out that it wasn't McMurphy's aunt that took us. It was just one his friends, I thought it was a pretty good trick. On the way there, we stopped for some gas, and the people were giving us a hard time trying to get us to buy extra things we didn't need. That is until McMurphy said something about it, he told them we were all big strong people who could rip them apart if we wanted, they seemed to be really scared of us once they realized how big the Chief was. McMurphy also told them they could bill the ward for the gas and took the gas money to go buy some things at the store.
After that we were having fun pretending to be tough and watching people in cars next to us get scared. It was alot of fun. That kept going on until we got to the dock and waited for the boat, then we all lost our confidence. The people on the dock kept trying to flirt with Candy, McMurphy's friend, and trying to get her to leave with them. I could tell it was bugging her, but I was too afraid to do anything about it, and I guess everyone else was too.
McMurphy got us all onto the boat and we went off to go fishing. It was alot of fun watching the waves, I didn't fish at all, too scared of the hooks, but I was out there on the ocean and I wasn't too scared so maybe I am getting better. McMurphy and his friend disappered for a little while, and thats when I found out Billy had a thing for McMurphy's friend. I don't know if anything will come out of it, but it's interesting to know.
When we got back with our catch the rest of the ward couldn't believe how much fish we had caught, It was a good day.
Today was the fishing trip, I found out that it wasn't McMurphy's aunt that took us. It was just one his friends, I thought it was a pretty good trick. On the way there, we stopped for some gas, and the people were giving us a hard time trying to get us to buy extra things we didn't need. That is until McMurphy said something about it, he told them we were all big strong people who could rip them apart if we wanted, they seemed to be really scared of us once they realized how big the Chief was. McMurphy also told them they could bill the ward for the gas and took the gas money to go buy some things at the store.
After that we were having fun pretending to be tough and watching people in cars next to us get scared. It was alot of fun. That kept going on until we got to the dock and waited for the boat, then we all lost our confidence. The people on the dock kept trying to flirt with Candy, McMurphy's friend, and trying to get her to leave with them. I could tell it was bugging her, but I was too afraid to do anything about it, and I guess everyone else was too.
McMurphy got us all onto the boat and we went off to go fishing. It was alot of fun watching the waves, I didn't fish at all, too scared of the hooks, but I was out there on the ocean and I wasn't too scared so maybe I am getting better. McMurphy and his friend disappered for a little while, and thats when I found out Billy had a thing for McMurphy's friend. I don't know if anything will come out of it, but it's interesting to know.
When we got back with our catch the rest of the ward couldn't believe how much fish we had caught, It was a good day.
Entry 11 pgs 174-190
Dear Journal,
McMurphy is back! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad to have the real McMurphy back, I'm not even scared of him even more, well not as much. I knew he was back when he got up to get some cigarettes and just punched through the Nurse's window to get them, he said it was just so clean he thought it was open. He got away with it too!
Things have started to pick back up again, McMurphy has been doing a lot of things. He started a basketball team, I didn't ask to join, but I like to watch the other patients play, and they seem to be having a good time. He's also trying to set up a kind of field trip to go deep sea fishing. He somehow got it approved, but he needs a certain amount people to go for it to work, and in an attempt to stop people the Nurse has been putting up stories of shipwrecks.
I was scared about drowning and I wasn't going to go, but McMurphy talked to me and said if I'm always going around being scared of everything I'd never get out of this place. So I decided to suck it up and try to go, I'm still a little afraid though. The doctor is going with us, and McMurphy will be there so I think everything will be fine. Well we're getting ready to leave so I'll write about the trip later.
McMurphy is back! I never thought I'd say this, but I'm glad to have the real McMurphy back, I'm not even scared of him even more, well not as much. I knew he was back when he got up to get some cigarettes and just punched through the Nurse's window to get them, he said it was just so clean he thought it was open. He got away with it too!
Things have started to pick back up again, McMurphy has been doing a lot of things. He started a basketball team, I didn't ask to join, but I like to watch the other patients play, and they seem to be having a good time. He's also trying to set up a kind of field trip to go deep sea fishing. He somehow got it approved, but he needs a certain amount people to go for it to work, and in an attempt to stop people the Nurse has been putting up stories of shipwrecks.
I was scared about drowning and I wasn't going to go, but McMurphy talked to me and said if I'm always going around being scared of everything I'd never get out of this place. So I decided to suck it up and try to go, I'm still a little afraid though. The doctor is going with us, and McMurphy will be there so I think everything will be fine. Well we're getting ready to leave so I'll write about the trip later.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Entry 10 pgs 157-173
Dear Journal,
McMurphy is still acting normal, I guess he really wants to get out of here, I didn't think he'd last this long though. He did slip up a little earlier today, but not with the Nurse. Today Hardings wife came to visit him, and we all know from the meetings that Harding thinks his wife cheats on him with other men. Well she came in and started flirting with McMurphy. It went on for a little while and then she left.
After she was gone Harding asked McMurphy what he had thought of her, I wasn't in the room when it happened, but somewhere during the conversation McMurphy started to yell at Harding. The thought of him being here forever is really starting to get to him.
Other than McMurphy things have been getting back to normal here in the ward. Today we all went in to get our chest x-rays, on the way there we passed the shock shop. I've never had shock treatment, but I've seen many people go through it and not be themselves for days or even weeks. It sounds like a terrible experience.
Also we've finally started to see the consequences from us not doing the chores when we were supposed to. We lost the use of the tub room, that McMurphy got the doctor to let us use so we didn't have to listen to the music. I didn't mind too much, in fact no one seemed to mind. I guess things are starting to get back to normal around here after all.
McMurphy is still acting normal, I guess he really wants to get out of here, I didn't think he'd last this long though. He did slip up a little earlier today, but not with the Nurse. Today Hardings wife came to visit him, and we all know from the meetings that Harding thinks his wife cheats on him with other men. Well she came in and started flirting with McMurphy. It went on for a little while and then she left.
After she was gone Harding asked McMurphy what he had thought of her, I wasn't in the room when it happened, but somewhere during the conversation McMurphy started to yell at Harding. The thought of him being here forever is really starting to get to him.
Other than McMurphy things have been getting back to normal here in the ward. Today we all went in to get our chest x-rays, on the way there we passed the shock shop. I've never had shock treatment, but I've seen many people go through it and not be themselves for days or even weeks. It sounds like a terrible experience.
Also we've finally started to see the consequences from us not doing the chores when we were supposed to. We lost the use of the tub room, that McMurphy got the doctor to let us use so we didn't have to listen to the music. I didn't mind too much, in fact no one seemed to mind. I guess things are starting to get back to normal around here after all.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Entry 9 pgs 145-156
Dear Journal,
Cheswick is dead, drowned in the pool. I knew having all of us go to the pool was not a good idea, I always hated it. I bet you're wondering how it happened, even I'm not totally sure. I guess it all started about two days ago when we first went to the pool.
We got to the pool and the rest of the guys all got in, I get to stay on the side with the life guard because I get so afraid of the water. Everyone was swimming around and McMurphy swam up to the lifeguard and started talking. I didn't say much, but I heard everything. McMurphy was telling the lifeguard how much better this place was then a prison. I wouldn't know anything about that I've never been to one before. Apparently the lifeguard had and he disagreed. He said that atleast in prison you know when you are going to get out. McMurphy didn't understand, so I explained to him that when people are comitted like him and me that the only way out is to be released by the staff, or in this case the Nurse. McMurphy seemed really surprised by that, I was sure everyone knew that, but I guess I was wrong.
After that McMurphy started acting really different, he wasn't loud, and he didn't do anything to make the Nurse angry. Before I thought I would rather have him be like this, but i had gotten use to him and this new McMurphy scared me even more. The rest of the guys kept saying that they think he's just playing it cool so that he can really surprise the Nurse, but I know the real reason, he wants to leave.
I think everyone else realized this at the next meeting. Cheswick was complaining about cigarettes and he kept looking for McMurphy to back him up but he never did. When we were at the pool again Cheswick said he could understand why he didn't help him out, but then he dived into the pool and got his fingers stuck in the drain. No one could pull him out till it was to late.
It seems to me that if he had peple pulling on him he could have been freed in time if it had really been an accident, no one else is sure if it was suicide or not, and for that reason not many people are talking about it.
Cheswick is dead, drowned in the pool. I knew having all of us go to the pool was not a good idea, I always hated it. I bet you're wondering how it happened, even I'm not totally sure. I guess it all started about two days ago when we first went to the pool.
We got to the pool and the rest of the guys all got in, I get to stay on the side with the life guard because I get so afraid of the water. Everyone was swimming around and McMurphy swam up to the lifeguard and started talking. I didn't say much, but I heard everything. McMurphy was telling the lifeguard how much better this place was then a prison. I wouldn't know anything about that I've never been to one before. Apparently the lifeguard had and he disagreed. He said that atleast in prison you know when you are going to get out. McMurphy didn't understand, so I explained to him that when people are comitted like him and me that the only way out is to be released by the staff, or in this case the Nurse. McMurphy seemed really surprised by that, I was sure everyone knew that, but I guess I was wrong.
After that McMurphy started acting really different, he wasn't loud, and he didn't do anything to make the Nurse angry. Before I thought I would rather have him be like this, but i had gotten use to him and this new McMurphy scared me even more. The rest of the guys kept saying that they think he's just playing it cool so that he can really surprise the Nurse, but I know the real reason, he wants to leave.
I think everyone else realized this at the next meeting. Cheswick was complaining about cigarettes and he kept looking for McMurphy to back him up but he never did. When we were at the pool again Cheswick said he could understand why he didn't help him out, but then he dived into the pool and got his fingers stuck in the drain. No one could pull him out till it was to late.
It seems to me that if he had peple pulling on him he could have been freed in time if it had really been an accident, no one else is sure if it was suicide or not, and for that reason not many people are talking about it.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Entry 8 pgs 129-144
Dear Journal,
The staff had a meeting just a little while ago, probably about McMurphy, he seems to be the topic of every conversation these days. Anyway, they all went to the room and closed the door, they let the chief in so he could clean, but the rest of us were stuck outside. Now not many people know about it, but there is a vent that goes between the meeting room, and the one next to it. So when no one was looking I slipped away to go listen.
I got to the vent and before I even put my ear to it I could hear McMurphy's name. I got closer and a heard the staff talking about how he has the potential to be violent and that he should be sent up to disturbed. Sounds of agreement went through the rest of the group, I thought he was going for sure. But then something strange happened I heard the Nurse's voice, she said that she believed McMurphy was just a regualr man and that she could help him here more than sending him to disturbed would do. I thought she would have wanted him gone, but I guess she isn't finished with him yet.
She decided his punishment would be to have him clean the urinals. I just came from the bathroom and I can tell you he obviously isn't taking that job seriously. I don't know what it is about McMurphy when he's around everything is different and out of order, but at the same time it's when I feel most normal.
I had another of my nightmares last night. This time i'm sitting at the table with a cake in front of me I can't remember what it said, but the candles were lit and the fire just kept growing and growing, I couldn't put it out, fire was everywhere...
The staff had a meeting just a little while ago, probably about McMurphy, he seems to be the topic of every conversation these days. Anyway, they all went to the room and closed the door, they let the chief in so he could clean, but the rest of us were stuck outside. Now not many people know about it, but there is a vent that goes between the meeting room, and the one next to it. So when no one was looking I slipped away to go listen.
I got to the vent and before I even put my ear to it I could hear McMurphy's name. I got closer and a heard the staff talking about how he has the potential to be violent and that he should be sent up to disturbed. Sounds of agreement went through the rest of the group, I thought he was going for sure. But then something strange happened I heard the Nurse's voice, she said that she believed McMurphy was just a regualr man and that she could help him here more than sending him to disturbed would do. I thought she would have wanted him gone, but I guess she isn't finished with him yet.
She decided his punishment would be to have him clean the urinals. I just came from the bathroom and I can tell you he obviously isn't taking that job seriously. I don't know what it is about McMurphy when he's around everything is different and out of order, but at the same time it's when I feel most normal.
I had another of my nightmares last night. This time i'm sitting at the table with a cake in front of me I can't remember what it said, but the candles were lit and the fire just kept growing and growing, I couldn't put it out, fire was everywhere...
Entry 7 pgs 116-128
Dear Journal,
Today was...interesting to say the least. During the meeting McMurphy tried his luck again with the vote. This time everyone rasied their hands even I did, I was surprised at how much McMurphy had influenced the patients already. I think the Nurse was too even though she would never show it. For a moment I thought someone had finally got the Nurse, but that didn't last long. The Nurse said that since none of the Chronics voted that the vote did not count. I thought that was a little cheap, and it really made McMurphy angry. He jumped around to all the chronics trying to get them to vote. While he was doing this the Nurse closed the vote and started to leave. But just then something happened that no one was expecting, the Chief raised his hand! Maybe he just saw everyone else doing it, but I still think he can hear, probably can talk too.
McMurphy was pretty happy for the rest of the day, that is until it actually came time for the game. McMurphy and the other guys sat around the television but it never turned on. I wasn't planning on watching the game anyway, I don't trust televesion sets they could explode and start a fire, but it was a little disappointing to see the Nurse go against what everyone wanted.
I thought that that was the end of McMurphy's plans but he did something unexpected, he sat there pretending like the game was on. He was acting like he was the announcer yelling things so fast I could hardly understand him. Maybe he is crazy after all. Either way he got the other patients in on it too, and got away with skiping the cleaning responsibilities. The Nurse can't be too happy about this
Today was...interesting to say the least. During the meeting McMurphy tried his luck again with the vote. This time everyone rasied their hands even I did, I was surprised at how much McMurphy had influenced the patients already. I think the Nurse was too even though she would never show it. For a moment I thought someone had finally got the Nurse, but that didn't last long. The Nurse said that since none of the Chronics voted that the vote did not count. I thought that was a little cheap, and it really made McMurphy angry. He jumped around to all the chronics trying to get them to vote. While he was doing this the Nurse closed the vote and started to leave. But just then something happened that no one was expecting, the Chief raised his hand! Maybe he just saw everyone else doing it, but I still think he can hear, probably can talk too.
McMurphy was pretty happy for the rest of the day, that is until it actually came time for the game. McMurphy and the other guys sat around the television but it never turned on. I wasn't planning on watching the game anyway, I don't trust televesion sets they could explode and start a fire, but it was a little disappointing to see the Nurse go against what everyone wanted.
I thought that that was the end of McMurphy's plans but he did something unexpected, he sat there pretending like the game was on. He was acting like he was the announcer yelling things so fast I could hardly understand him. Maybe he is crazy after all. Either way he got the other patients in on it too, and got away with skiping the cleaning responsibilities. The Nurse can't be too happy about this
Friday, October 10, 2008
Entry 6 pgs 92-115
Dear Journal,
McMurphy has decided to take on the role of the class clown, or I guess the ward clown. Either way his actions are making all the patients start to idolize him. I have to admit he is pretty funny, still he's loud and I am a little scared of him so I haven't gotten too close. For example, today while we were eating McMurphy was sitting with some guys and they were whispering about something. I couldn't hear because I was on the other side of the room, anyway, McMuprhy leaned back and flung some butter from his fork to the wall. I think he might have been aiming for the clock, probably made a bet about it he likes to do that. None of the black boys seemed to notice, although they might have been ignoring it, I could understand them not wanting to deal with McMurphy.
McMurphy didn't stop there however. later in the day we were all playing cards and he was having trouble hearing peoples bets over the music. The rest of us have tuned it out and hardly ever realize it anymore, but he oculdn't take it. He went up to the Nurse and asked if she could turned it down. She didn't listen obviously, the Nurse doesn't like McMurphy everyone can tell that much.
He also tried to arrange a vote to change the television times so he could watch the world series, unfortunately for him not many people voted. He's new so he doesn't know that the only time anything ever does change is when it's what the Nurse wants. He'll come around and realize it eventually, or he'll have a long hard stay here at the ward.
McMurphy has decided to take on the role of the class clown, or I guess the ward clown. Either way his actions are making all the patients start to idolize him. I have to admit he is pretty funny, still he's loud and I am a little scared of him so I haven't gotten too close. For example, today while we were eating McMurphy was sitting with some guys and they were whispering about something. I couldn't hear because I was on the other side of the room, anyway, McMuprhy leaned back and flung some butter from his fork to the wall. I think he might have been aiming for the clock, probably made a bet about it he likes to do that. None of the black boys seemed to notice, although they might have been ignoring it, I could understand them not wanting to deal with McMurphy.
McMurphy didn't stop there however. later in the day we were all playing cards and he was having trouble hearing peoples bets over the music. The rest of us have tuned it out and hardly ever realize it anymore, but he oculdn't take it. He went up to the Nurse and asked if she could turned it down. She didn't listen obviously, the Nurse doesn't like McMurphy everyone can tell that much.
He also tried to arrange a vote to change the television times so he could watch the world series, unfortunately for him not many people voted. He's new so he doesn't know that the only time anything ever does change is when it's what the Nurse wants. He'll come around and realize it eventually, or he'll have a long hard stay here at the ward.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Entry 5 pgs 83-91
Dear Journal,
Nothing much out of the ordinary happened today except for in the morning. I had managed to fall asleep, but everyone was woken up before the usual time. The reason for this was McMurphy. He had decided that he was going to take a shower and sing very loudly. It was a song about horses or something, I can't remember now. Anyway, most everyone in the room was listening to him just waiting for one of the black boys to go in and shut him up, but they never did.
The Chief got up and went out to the hallway, I'm not sure why though its not like he could hear the singing. I decided to get up and go also, I wanted to see what was going to happen once the Nurse found out. I got out just in time to hear one of the black boys telling McMurphy the rules about toothpaste. McMurphy decided just to use some of the soap instead of the tooth paste. I looked over and saw the Chief grin, maybe he isn't as dumb as everyone thinks, maybe he can hear too, but anyway back to today.
The nurse came around the corner and calmly asked him where his clothes were, because he was only in a towel. I've been here a long time and I still don't see how the Nurse manages to stay so calm throughout the day. Turns out one of the black boys took his clothes but forgot to bring him back the greens. I'm sure he'll be getting some kind of punishment for that.
I had another nightmare last night, I was under a desk, fire was everywhere, and someone with an ax smashed through the door.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Entry 4 pgs 70-82
Dear Journal,
It's late at night, I'm tired but I can't seem to fall asleep. I know why though, I didn't get my pill today, and I can blame McMurphy for that one.
It was medication time and the night crew had already come in to replace the others. We were all lined up when McMurphy got up to the front of the line. Before Nurse Ratched left I had over heard her saying that she believed that McMurphy was a sex maniac. That was probably the reason the other nurse dropped the water when McMurphy smiled at her with that big grin of his. McMurphy went in to help her clean the mess but she was still scared and yelled at him to get out of the nurses station.
After that whole ordeal the nurse said there would be no more medication, and thats why I'm sitting here awake when I should be sleeping.
I don't like the night too many things in the dark I can't see, thats the only reason I like to take the pill, because it lets me fall asleep. Now the only people awake in the room are me and the Chief. I'm not moving much other than writing, because I don't want anyone to know I'm awake.
The Chief has been getting up and walking around looking out the window. Probably because he misses being on the outside with his family, if he had one. No one knows much about the Chief so who knows he could have a family out there somewhere.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Entry 3 pgs 42-69
Dear Journal,
Today we had another group meeting, I'm always afraid that I'm going to be the topic of the meeting. No one ever wants to talk about themselves during this meeting, but the Nurse always picks someone to talk about. Today we were talking about Harding and his wife again. Harding is always having problems with his wife, he doesn't think he can make her happy, and that she cheats on him with other people. But before we could get started with that, McMurphy made a joke about Hardings wife and the Nurse decided to talk about McMurphy's past. It says in his file that he might be faking mental problems to get out of the work farm, where he was before. But I don't know about that, he seems pretty crazy to me.
After the Doctor and the Nurse had finished talking to McMurphy, they decided that the Doctor should go over the protocol for group meetings since McMurphy was new. I stopped listening for a while, because I've been here so long I must have heard it at least 50 times. I looked over at the Chief who was staring off into space, which he usually does, and I wondered how many times he has had to sit through this talk, since he is one of the only ones who's been here longer than me.
After the Doctor had finished talking, the group started again with the topic of Harding. Everyone started to talk about Harding and his problems, while Harding just sank lower and lower in his chair. No one likes to do that to the other patients, and everyone felt bad afterwards, but that doesn't stop them from doing it. The Nurse has us all afraid that we could be next, so whenever we aren't the topic of conversation we make sure to stay on it for as long as we can. Because when its time for a new topic anyone of us could be in Hardings spot.
After the meeting, McMurphy went up to Harding and tried to make him feel better, it worked for the most part, but it also made Harding angry with the other patients. McMurphy told him that it was the Nurse's fault not the patients. McMurphy won't last long in this place if he keeps blaming the Nurse for everything.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Entry 2 pgs 29-41
Dear Journal,
Today was another non-interesting day, but thats fine with me, less things to scare me. The Nurse has everything in the ward running on a tight schedule, knowing what comes next everyday is one of the few things that makes me feel safe, even when the things in that schedule scare me. For instance we start off every morning with a shave, which I don't like at all, like I've said before someone could slip up and cut me or themselves. After we are all shaved, we go in for breakfast. I don't like this either, because who knows what someone could have put into the food, some days I get so scared that I can't even eat in the mornings.
After breakfast is a free time when we are all allowed into the day room to play cards or listen to the radio. This time is one of my favorite times of the day, except for one thing. This is when everyone likes to smoke, which means they are all lighting there cigarettes at the same time, usually I have to stay on the other side of the room till they are done. There's nothing to be scared of on the other side of the room because thats where the chronics stay and they don't move much at all. The Chronics will be in the ward the rest of their lives because they can't function like the Acutes do. I am considered an Acute, because I still have the potential to become a regular member of society. I've been here so long that I am starting to doubt if I will leave.
At eight o'clock all the acutes line up for their medication. The Nurse told me my medication was to get rid of me being scared all the time, because I wouldn't take it unless I knew what it was for, but as far as I can tell it just makes me tired. Sleeping usually doesn't scare me at all, except for when I have nightmares.
Like last night, I was seven years old again, standing in front of my house sirens sounding and lights flashing all over. I was alone....
And thats all I can remember for now, I don't feel much like writing anymore.
Today was another non-interesting day, but thats fine with me, less things to scare me. The Nurse has everything in the ward running on a tight schedule, knowing what comes next everyday is one of the few things that makes me feel safe, even when the things in that schedule scare me. For instance we start off every morning with a shave, which I don't like at all, like I've said before someone could slip up and cut me or themselves. After we are all shaved, we go in for breakfast. I don't like this either, because who knows what someone could have put into the food, some days I get so scared that I can't even eat in the mornings.
After breakfast is a free time when we are all allowed into the day room to play cards or listen to the radio. This time is one of my favorite times of the day, except for one thing. This is when everyone likes to smoke, which means they are all lighting there cigarettes at the same time, usually I have to stay on the other side of the room till they are done. There's nothing to be scared of on the other side of the room because thats where the chronics stay and they don't move much at all. The Chronics will be in the ward the rest of their lives because they can't function like the Acutes do. I am considered an Acute, because I still have the potential to become a regular member of society. I've been here so long that I am starting to doubt if I will leave.
At eight o'clock all the acutes line up for their medication. The Nurse told me my medication was to get rid of me being scared all the time, because I wouldn't take it unless I knew what it was for, but as far as I can tell it just makes me tired. Sleeping usually doesn't scare me at all, except for when I have nightmares.
Like last night, I was seven years old again, standing in front of my house sirens sounding and lights flashing all over. I was alone....
And thats all I can remember for now, I don't feel much like writing anymore.
Entry 1 pgs 9-28
Dear Journal,
Hello, my name is Roger. The Nurse told me that keeping this journal would help me get over my.... irrational fears, as she calls it. I don't think they are irrational at all, who's to say that while shaving one day someone could slip up and get cut across the throat? Or even worse someone lights a cigarette and accidentally catches something on fire. That's why I don't smoke, can't stand the flame, I can't even watch someone else light theirs. Although I've been here for so long I don't even remember why I am afraid of it, the staff says its Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I've said that I can't remember anything that traumatic that has happened to me, but I've over heard the staff talking about me suppressing my memories. Anyway that's why I am writing, to see if writing down everything that happens somehow jogs my memory so i can finally deal with whatever it is is making me this way. So on to today's events.
Nothing to exciting happened today, mostly the usual stuff. Billy and Cheswick playing cards, the Chief sweeping, and the chronics just laying around. Billy hasn't been here as long as me, and really I don't know why he's here, he has a stuttering problem but I've heard of people taking classes to get rid of those, he is a nice guy though and I enjoy having him here. Cheswick is alright too, I think he's been here even longer it's hard to remember anymore. The Chief has been here the longest though even longer than me. He doesn't talk much on the account that he is deaf and dumb, but he helps out the black boys by sweeping, chief broom they call him.
Oh! I almost forgot, we had a new person come into the ward today, McMurphy I think. He is a loud person, the whole ward new when he came in. I'm not sure what to think of him yet, Although he smells strongly of cigarettes, which means I'll have to stay away from him while he's lighting those. Well thats all for now.
-Roger
Hello, my name is Roger. The Nurse told me that keeping this journal would help me get over my.... irrational fears, as she calls it. I don't think they are irrational at all, who's to say that while shaving one day someone could slip up and get cut across the throat? Or even worse someone lights a cigarette and accidentally catches something on fire. That's why I don't smoke, can't stand the flame, I can't even watch someone else light theirs. Although I've been here for so long I don't even remember why I am afraid of it, the staff says its Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I've said that I can't remember anything that traumatic that has happened to me, but I've over heard the staff talking about me suppressing my memories. Anyway that's why I am writing, to see if writing down everything that happens somehow jogs my memory so i can finally deal with whatever it is is making me this way. So on to today's events.
Nothing to exciting happened today, mostly the usual stuff. Billy and Cheswick playing cards, the Chief sweeping, and the chronics just laying around. Billy hasn't been here as long as me, and really I don't know why he's here, he has a stuttering problem but I've heard of people taking classes to get rid of those, he is a nice guy though and I enjoy having him here. Cheswick is alright too, I think he's been here even longer it's hard to remember anymore. The Chief has been here the longest though even longer than me. He doesn't talk much on the account that he is deaf and dumb, but he helps out the black boys by sweeping, chief broom they call him.
Oh! I almost forgot, we had a new person come into the ward today, McMurphy I think. He is a loud person, the whole ward new when he came in. I'm not sure what to think of him yet, Although he smells strongly of cigarettes, which means I'll have to stay away from him while he's lighting those. Well thats all for now.
-Roger
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)